my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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