Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
