Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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