Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she told me i tasted like america
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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