In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
