If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
