Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
