In the future we'll all be gay
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
