remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When are your genitals available?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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