I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
