You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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