Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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