Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
