How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
