I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
