I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cockslap morals
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
