And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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