Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
