i jhust puked up my retainher.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
