Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
