That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
