why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
