Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
