No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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