She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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