Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
