I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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