I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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