My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
