I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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