4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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