Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
