"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
