i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
