ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
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Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize