he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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