You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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