Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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