did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
this beer tastes like vomit already
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
