I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
