Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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