he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I did not marry a roomba.
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