I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
