My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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