i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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