It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
