Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
