actually, I'm a sock model
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
