whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
