I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
