if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
