I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
