The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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