i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
