I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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