New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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