I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
