And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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