Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
PANTIES FOUND
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
