The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
