Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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